如何给客户写信

 　　On the lavatory 1 wall of a colleague’s flat in Hong Kong hangs a framed letter. It is written on HSBC notepaper, and dated January 22, 1998. “Dear Sir,” it begins. “Please note that we have had occasion to return your cheque due to insufficient 2 funds in the above account. This state of affairs is most unsatisfactory and the practice of issuing cheques without first ensuring that there are sufficient funds to meet them must cease forthwith, otherwise it will be necessary for your account in our books to be closed.”

　　我的一位同事喜欢在其香港的公寓的洗手间里挂上一幅裱好的信件. 这是一封用汇丰银行(HSBC)的信纸写的信, 日期是1998年1月22日. “尊敬的先生,” 信开头写道, “请注意, 由于您账户余额不足, 我们已经拒绝了您的支票. 这样的事情的确令人很不愉快, 因此请您以后在签发支票时首先确保您的账户有足够的余额, 否则应立即停止签发. 不然您的账户将会被取消.”
　　“Yours faithfully, P. Mandal, assistant manager customer deposits, Bangalore branch.”
　　“您忠实的P?曼达尔，班加罗尔分行客户存款部助理经理.”
　　In displaying this letter in such a prominent place, my colleague was seeking to amuse his visitors with its Indian-English verbosity 3. In reprinting it here, I have a grander purpose. For all its stiff wording, it is the best letter to a customer I’ve ever seen. It sums up everything that used to be good about banking 4, but which has got hopelessly lost. Indeed, if all bankers still behaved like P. Mandal, there would have been no financial crisis.
　　我的同事把这封信挂在这么显眼的位置, 其实是想向展示他的印度式英语的冗长来娱乐客人. 我在这里打下这封信, 其实是 “别有用心”. 尽管这封信言辞生硬, 然而却是我所看过的最好的致客户信. 它集所有曾经银行的优点于一身, 而这些优点如今早已消失殆尽. 其实, 如果所有的银行家仍然行如P?曼达尔, 那么以前的金融危机将没有机会爆发.
　　For him, banking was a solemn matter, where prudence 5 was all- important. In his world, there was none of the dodgy stuff that all banks now routinely engage in: pretending the customer is king while fleecing them if they go into the red, and investing their money in incomprehensible and ruinous financial instruments. Instead, recalcitrant 6 customers were given a thorough telling off – which made them behave better. My colleague tells me that he has, indeed, ceased his unsatisfactory behaviour forthwith: he has not bounced a cheque since January 1998.
　　对P?曼达尔来说, 银行业是一个庄严的行业, 而谨慎对这个行业至关重要. 在他的世界里, 过去从来没有现在所有银行都惯常参与的危险活动: 假装把客户当作上帝, 但是当他们的投资亏空时却狠敲他们一笔, 并且把他们的钱投资到一些复杂难懂而且相当危险的金融工具中. 相反, 他会严厉斥责那些违规的客户, 让他们更加安分. 我的那位同事告诉我, 他也确实已经立即终止了那种不愉快的行为: 自从1998年1月, 他的支票再也没有被拒付.
　　It all makes one wish P. Mandal had been transported from Bangalore to the London HQ and made chief executive instead of Sir John Bond. The Indian banker would never in a million years have agreed to the ?9bn takeover of Household, the US subprime lender it bought in 2002. He would have cast one eye over the loan book with its millions of dodgy customers who could not afford their mortgages and said he wanted nothing to do with them.
　　这会让我们希望P?曼达尔可以从班加罗尔调到英国伦敦总部取代庞约翰爵士担任汇丰银行的首席执行官. 这位印度籍的银行家永远也不会批准2002年汇丰以90亿英镑收购美国次级抵押贷款商Household的那宗交易. 他会瞄一眼贷款账簿, 然后拒绝与那些数百万无力偿还抵押贷款客户的交易.
　　But it is not just his prudence I like. It’s his writing style, too. Though somewhat pompous 7, it is short and to the point. And despite its threatening message, it is immaculately polite. “This state of affairs is most unsatisfactory” is a delightful 8 and useful phrase that deserves to be rehabilitated 9 at once.
　　然而我喜欢的不仅仅是他的谨慎, 还有他的写作风格. 尽管那封信有点自负, 可是却很简明扼要. 同时尽管它略带威胁性口吻, 可是却非常的得体. “这样的事情的确令人很不愉快” 是一句得体而且有用的话语, 值得我们再三品味.
　　The same day I was inspecting the walls of my colleague’s lavatory so approvingly, I was e-mailed an exchange that had just taken place between an FT reader and Comcast. She had sent a brief message to the cable operator complaining that she couldn’t find out how to get her mobile phone bill itemised. The reply was everything the lavatory letter was not: disingenuous 10, unintelligent, emotionally incontinent, unhelpful and miles too long.
　　同一天当我正满怀佩服之情欣赏着同事洗手间墙上的那封信时, 我收到一封邮件, 上面显示的是一位<<金融时报>>的读者和康卡斯特的交流信件. 这位读者发了一封简短的信息给有线电视运营商, 抱怨说她不知道如何才可以收到手机话费明细单. 而她收到的回复内容是洗手间那封信上完全没有的一切缺点: 不诚实, 愚蠢, 感情矫作, 不实用以及相当冗长.
　　“We are very glad to have you as part of Comcast family,” it began, unpromisingly. The idea that in signing up for an account with a mobile phone operator, one is not merely agreeing to share its airwaves but to share its genetic 11 lineage is most disturbing.
　　“我们很高兴你加入康卡斯特这个大家庭,” 回复开头说道, 让人读了希望尽失. 与一家移动通讯运营商签约开户后, 你不仅要同意分享它的无线电波, 还要分享它的基因图谱, 这让人想起来都感觉不舒服.
　　The e-mail continued “and it is our privilege to provide you an exceptional and unparalleled customer service”. This is even worse – a combination of excessive bowing and scraping with excessive boasting, without conveying any meaning at all.
　　那封回复邮件继续写道: “ 我们很荣幸可以为您提供至优无上的服务.” 这更糟糕---过度的卑躬屈膝和过度的自夸的结合, 可谓是废话连篇, 毫无意义.
　　“Thank you for bringing this billing concern to our attention, Elizabeth”, it goes on. “Elizabeth”? How dare they? P. Mandal would have had a stroke at such fresh familiarity.
　　“谢谢您向我们提出这个问题, 引起我们的关注, 亲爱的伊丽莎白!” 这封邮件继续写道. “伊丽莎白” ? 他们怎么敢这样称呼客户? P?曼达尔要是听了这样 “前无古人” 的话, 不中风倒地才怪!
　　“Rest assured that we will properly address the concern by making sure that the best resolution will be provided to suffice your overall satisfaction”
　　“请您放心, 我们会妥善处理您的问题, 保证为你提供最好的解决方案, 让你百分之百满意……”
　　I’m getting restive 12 even typing this drivel out and so you will have to believe me that there are 500 more words of the same, including further apologies, further congratulations and wishes that Elizabeth have a nice day – without actually solving the problem in hand.
　　打下这封废话连篇的邮件我都觉得很不舒服, 因此你可以有理由相信, 在那封长达500多字的邮件里, 内容基本一样, 包括进一步的道歉, 祝贺以及祝愿伊丽莎白度过美好的一天---所有的这些内容都与解决问题无关.
　　“We appreciate that you took time out from your busy schedule to share your concerns,” it said. But if they thought her schedule was busy, why did they think she would have time to read so much guff?
　　“我们非常感激您在百忙之中抽空告知我们您的问题,” 邮件继续说. 但是, 如果他们真的觉得她是这么忙, 为什么他们还觉得她会有空读这么长的废话呢?
　　Finally, the sign off: a first name and a title, Comcast customer care specialist. At last, something with meaning. The author of this reply has proved herself a specialist in “customer care” – a virtuoso 13 at apology and making all the most fashionable noises. The only problem is that there is no need for specialists in this area. Customers don’t want “care”. They just want their bills itemised.
　　最后, 签名只有名没有姓, 另外还有一个头衔, 康卡斯特客户服务专员. 终于出现一些有点意义的东西. 这位邮件的回复者已经说明她是 “客户服务” 的专员, 一个在道歉以及制造最 “时尚” 废话的行家. 但是问题的关键在于, 现实生活中我们并不需要这样的 “专员”. 顾客们不需要这样的 “关怀”. 他们只是想要话费明细单.