雅思写作批改实例：美国婚姻状况

 　　WRITING TASK 1

　　题目：剑6 Test 4
　　The first bar (1) illustrates 1 the number of marriages and divorces in American (2) from 1970 to 2000 while the second bar chart (1) demonstrates the marital 2 status of adult Americans over last 30 years. (3)
　　1. 注意主语。第一个主语不应该是bar，而是chart。因为bar指的就是一根柱。另外，两个图既然都是bar chart，为何不合并在一起写?这样句子看起来更加紧凑，后面的“显示”也不用换着用了。
　　2. 这是笔误吧?应该是America.
　　3. 注意时间的表达!over the last 30 years是从今年开始往前倒推30年。但是图中是1970到2000年完全是过去的，所以不能用这个表达。改为over the 30 years/ over the 30-year period.
　　As we can seen from the first bar chart, (4) the number of marriages keep (5) steady from 1970 to 1980, which is (6) 2.5 millions (7). However (8) there was a significant decreased (9) in marriages between 1980 and 2000, from 2.5 millions (7) (8) to 2 millions (7). By contrast, divorces (9) experienced a dramatic rose(10) from 1970 to 1980, (11) 1 million to a record high (12) just under 1.5 millions.(7) Afterward 3, the number of divorces (8) decreased slightly between 1980 and 2000 from 1.4 millions to 1 million.
　　4. 考试中尽量少用we. 改为As can be seen …就好了。
　　5. 注意时态!这篇文章讲的都是过去的时间，改为kept.
　　6. 首先，还是时态的问题。其次，“保持稳定”后面加数字的话，直接加at就可以了。
　　7. million表示确数的时候，前面有数字，后面不能加s!
　　8. 内容上，2.5 million前面是已经提到过的，再写一次就重复了。直接写to only 2 million就可以了。
　　9. 注意主语。上升的是“人数”而不是“离婚”。所以改为the number of divorces. 下文第二次出现可以改用it。
　　10. 注意rise的名词就是rise。rose是动词的过去式。
　　11. 这里少了个from。
　　12. 首先，一共就两年，谈不上record high。第二，record high是名词，后面加数字的话要用of来引出。
　　According to the second bar chart, the number (13) of married makes up (14) majority of (15) Americans(16) in 1970, about 70 percent, (17) which (18) almost 6 times than people who never married (19), (20) the remaining 8 percent, 2 percent go (21) to widowed and divorced respectively. After 30 years, the number(13) of married (22) still a majority (23), about 60 millions,(7) (17) which (19) nearly 3 times than never married. (24) And the remaining 20 percent, 5 percent, 8 percent go to (21) never married, widowed, divorced correspondingly.
　　13. 注意看清楚题目中的数据的单位!核心词应该是比例proportion，而不是number.
　　14. 注意时态!改为made up.
　　15. majority 前面要加the。
　　16. 原文的标题已经注明是adult Americans，不是所有美国人。你可以用American adults.
　　17. 数字不能直接挂在后面，要加with/ at。
　　18. 这句话没有谓语了，要加一个was才行。
　　19. 记住比较级的公式A is … times (more/ larger…. than) B. 括号部分可以省略。你这里选择了保留than，那么比较标准也要保留啊!另外，后面的比较对象B也不对，应该是the number of B，为了避免啰嗦，改成that of B。改为which was almost 6 times that of never married people.
　　20. 两句话怎么能用逗号连接呢?改为句号。
　　21. 注意时态。应该是went to。另外，这里不是占比，为什么说the remaining XX percent? 这里总量不知道的，不像饼图，总量永远是100%。
　　22. married 是形容词，怎么能这样用呢?改为married couples.
　　23. 这句话的谓语也没有了。改为married couples was still the majority of American adults.
　　24. 还是老问题了。改为which was nearly 3 times than that of never married people.
　　【段落点评】这个图没有按照上课讲过的方法来写。把动态图机械地拆分成两个时间段，当做两个静态图来写了。
　　MODEL ANSWER:
　　先写横比：The majority of American adults were married couples, while widowed and divorced people accounted for the least share. 再写纵比：Over the 30 years, the proportion of married couples and divorced people experienced drastic changes, decreasing from 70% to 59% and soaring from 2% to 9% respectively. In comparison, that of never married and widowed people showed slight variations, which rose from 15% to 20% and dipped from 8% to 5% correspondingly.
　　In conclusion, people who married (25) decreased sharply over this period and (26) satisfactory of marriage is decreased recently in American. (2) (27)
　　25.注意主语。应该是the number of marriages。
　　26.两个句子表示对比的时候，用while连接更好。
　　27. 雅思图表作文忌讳过度推断。紧扣图中的内容来写。改为while divorce rate experienced an upsurge.